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January 23rd, 2010

04:28 pm - Breaking down anger.
I was thinking about anger while taking a bath. That's probably my favorite place in the whole house to think, and relax.

And I've come to the conclusion that I don't believe in it. Anger is a facade, it's an illusion, it is the sheep in wolves clothing, and yes I mean it that way.

So, what is it?Collapse )

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November 2nd, 2009

03:35 pm - The worry of the week
Lily has become a self-harmer. :/ She is chew her tail so much its created an open wound, and her tummy is starting to look pretty bad too. James is getting some special shampoo, and we're going to try some no-chew spray, but honestly I have a feeling we just need to get her to a vet.

That's my worry of the week. Me and James have started playing RE5 together again though. So that's my highlight of the week :)

Now to go get some food. Sorry for the short update, but I spent too much time making a note on facebook, and I don't really feel like cross posting today.

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October 15th, 2009

07:13 pm - Halloween Celebration
Ichumon is having a Halloween celebration, with lots of goodies. It would be a good time for people to join in. :D

There are a LOT of interesting people on, and the site is very active. There is a general chat. RPG, and there are events going on almost constantly. Right now there is a halloween hunt, where you find Maeva's hat and she give you a treat. And that artwork is awesome. And shouting ARHHH! in the shout box also gets you prizes when Maeva boos. Also if you start with my banner you get 10days of premium. It's great without it, but the premium will give you good start on getting iP, the currency for the site.

It's a pet site that hasn't gone completely crazy like neo has XD

But yeah, I've actually developed a lot of friends on there recently. Wish I could get some friends from elsewhere on it though. iamasupermidget on there too :)

Anyway, I should stop beating a dead horse, nobody wants to play with me apparently... I guess I can hope. Ichumon keeps me going when I'm alone... as pathetic as that is XD It keeps my mind occupied and gives me some level of socialization

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October 3rd, 2009

11:58 pm - Stupid mistake
Yeah, I forgot that I actually have to add friends to my list, not just have them add me XD

I feel so dumb... Oh well, stuff happens. It's fixed, and now it's time to go to bed. Goodnight all :)

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09:59 pm - BPD- a response...
Because this just couldn't fit as a comment :P

I think to me, the most telling symptom of BPD is when you can have two completely conflicting ideals of someone in a short period of time. Like, you can think they are an absolute angel, but they can do just one small thing, and you can just think the shittiest things about them, maybe just wanting them to die, or wanting to hurt them.

In fact, I think that is what separates it from manic depression, it's how we think about people that drives our emotions. Our thoughts about the other person can elate us, and drive us into the ground. I honestly find BPD to be a very social disorder. I mean, if there wasn't a person my emotions were keyed into, there wouldn't be the ups and down. I'd just sit around playing video games being perfectly content, independent, etc.

It took me about two years of intense self work to really break myself of the major symptoms of bpd.

I think it's important to remember, we are not a disorder, we experience symptoms of the disorder. And personality disorders, IMO, are not something that really needs to be diagnosed, you either relate to the symptoms, or you don't. And if you can identify those symptoms, you can begin working on them.

For me, it took a complete and total honesty between me and my significant other to really deal. And honesty with myself. Identification of feelings I think is absolutely key to coping.

For instance, the other day, James texted me, and asked me to text him his schedule. This pissed me off. I mean, I was furious. Why, you might ask? He could have called me, and it would have been quicker AND easier, especially when I passed up the numbers trying to text them many times. It's a small thing, right, I shouldn't have gotten upset, right. But I did. And I was angry. But I recognized it, and when he got home I told him that it pissed me off. But most importantly, I told him why.

Why? Well, it would have been quicker, and I would have liked getting a call from him, especially after not seeing him most of the day. Not only that, I had a great deal of frustration with trying to text numbers, which I swear are the hardest things to text. On top of that, before I looked at the text, I thought that he was texting me to tell me he was coming home. That was a HUGE disappointment.

See, right there, I can weed out two reasons that are completely ridiculous to be angry about. 1. My difficulty in texting, and 2. My expectation that it was him telling me he was coming home. Those two reasons are COMPLETELY out of his control. He couldn't control my expectation, he couldn't control the ease of me texting him. I could reconcile with myself that those were NOT good reasons to be angry at him.

In fact, before he got home, just in thinking about the situation, I stopped being angry about it. I still explained to him that I got angry about it, because, again, just sheer honesty. And I also explained it because I still felt texting me was the ilogical choice.

Simply by identifying the specific things that were making me angry, it relieved me of the frustration that comes along with not knowing why I'm angry. And in doing that, I was able to absolve my frustration, making it possible to have just a conversation (instead of some strange fight over something stupid) about the short period of anger I experience, and the right attitude to be receptive of the reasons why he texted and didn't call. Which was, he was having an appointment with a client, and for some reason felt texting was less inappropriate... now, I don't necessarily agree with that, but I can at least see the logic.

Also by talking about it when he got home, we kind of came to a consensus that it would be easier, and perhaps even more appropriate to give me a quick call, asking his work schedule rather than texting me. So, I can avoid future frustration of trying to punch numbers into a text.

Another thing it takes to work through these things I think, is breaking yourself of all or nothing thinking. When James texted instead of calling me, it was important that I thought of the *action* as a stupid one, not of him as being an idiot. Of course it wasn't a completely outright stupid action, but thinking about the action as being stupid puts a cap on the level of emotion to it. If you are angry at the person, you're going to get a lot more worked up than if you are angry about an action.

Actions are the things that can be stupid/desctructive/cruel, not people. People are just a bunch of flesh, bones, neurons, etc. On their own they are not bad, if they just sat there and did nothing, they couldn't hurt you. It's what they do, what they say, even think, those are all actions, not the people. We should focus on influencing these actions, describe the hurt, and try to get to see a good reason to change that behavior. Not berate them by calling them an idiot, or an ass*****. It doesn't do any good, for one thing. Also if they do a WHOLE bunch of obviously mean actions, and they have no interest in changing behaviors that really hurt us for emotionally logical reasons, we shouldn't bother berating them, yelling at them, etc, we should just leave.

Once I figured those things out, I was able to communicate and create positive changes in my relationship. And that doesn't mean I don't get angry. It's not like the relationship is perfect all of the time. I absolutely do get angry, and there is nothing wrong with that. But unless I can find a good reason, I don't give myself the right to be.

I can't tell James to change something because it makes me ANGRY! But I can tell him, hey, when you do this it really makes me angry because it hurts my feelings, or because "I think it's stupid that you texted instead of called me about that *especially* when I'd love to hear your voice", so could you not do that in the future? And you know what he says.

He says ok, because I'm not berating him, I'm not calling him stupid, I'm not forcing him, which are all things that would just make him defensive, instead I'm showing him emotional logic that he can relate too. And yes, I do believe there is logic to emotion, despite so many people believe they are mutually exclusive things.

But yeah... honestly, if I don't continue working hard to identify my feelings, and causes, and don't continue to distinguish being mad about actions rather than being mad at the people, and if I don't continue to be completely and totally honest with others, I could easily slip back into a horrible cycle of emotions, thinking people are great one minute, and the worst person in the world the next. But I don't. I focus on the two simple secrets to my personal success in dealing with my borderline tendencies, as I call them. 1.Knowing myself, and 2. focusing on the action instead of the person.

A third key which is specific to James and I's history together, is absolute and total honesty to each other. I think its good in any relationship, but in ours for good reason, it's pretty much a necessity to the health of our relationship.

Sorry this was soooo long. But insight is hard to communicate in a few simple paragraphs. And with two pretty damn good years behind me of very few fights, outburst, and very very little self harm, I'd like to give other people the best shot I can at some good advice.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. And I really hope I said something you found useful.

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October 2nd, 2009

06:29 pm - A real update
Let's see. In the past few months, I've gotten settled into a new apartment, joined primerica, played a lot of ichumon, and job hunted.

The Apartment; Me and James got a nice little affordable place in northern Indy. Not really much else to say about that.

James has a job at shoe carnival as a Floor Manager. He's making a lot more money that if he had come in without a College Degree, so that low GPA B.A. he got counted for something. Meanwhile my much higher GPA B.A. in Psychology has accounted for nothing. I would have to say James' charisma probably paid off for him.

I am working with Primerica though. It's actually a really great company, I just lack the local networking to do much with it. We work by word of mouth, which means the products have to speak for themselves. We start with people we know, and work out from there. So if we really help a family, we can get a lot of good referrals, and go an help more people. My problem, all the people I know are 45 minutes away. Which we will do some appointments like that, but it's nicer to work locally. Fortunately, James works at shoe carnival, so he's gone to a few networking events via Shoe Carnival. He's actually on an appointment right now with someone he met at one of said events.

We're hoping we can get this to take off, and he can quit Shoe carnival. I think that's a definite possibility within the next year or two.

I just recently had a job hunting stint, gathered a few applications. Looking for something part time hopefully, so I can take care of the house, and still hopefully get something going with Primerica myself. I targeted a few Child geared retail stores, cause I love kids, a select few clothing stores that I really like, TJMax, which is also a store I quite enjoy, and Lifeway Christian Store. Now, Lifeway Christian store has the most complex application, but it's actually higher on my list. It'd be nice to have motivation to re-flourish my spiritual side. I wish things weren't so chaotic right now, it might be nice if me and James could join a church again.

Also, while at the mall, getting some applications there, I talked to the guy at Hot Topic. Just kind of shootin' the breeze about how much the store has changed, asked him what he thought of this really ugly shirt I found on the racks, etc. Of course I didn't apply there. I have the clothes to apply there, but I can't wear them because of the puppies. 5 minutes in black clothes around the apartment, it will look like I hugged a polar bear.

And, I've been playing ichumon... it's a huge time killer. Good for when I'm bored and lonely I suppose. It's really only good as a distraction, as the people on it have very little in common with me. Occasionally, I'd battle with one of my ichumon friends, or make a remark on something interesting someone is talking about, but lately more often then not, I've felt disconnected there as well.

I think the situation at home is just kind of bringing me down all around. Nothing is really satisfying, not even things like playing games and eating ice cream. I've had, what I consider, negligible amounts of time with James over the past few weeks. So I just feel blah.

Other than that, our relationship is actually doing wonderfully. Getting Married this summer. James is actually trying to figure out how to break it to his family, because they always make him feel like crap about those kinds of things. This is really the right thing to do, and the right time to do. So, we're going to do it, come hell or high water.

He proposed randomly when he got home from work one night, lol. It was not very romantic, but I don't really care too much. Now, there is something that I find quite romantic. I asked him; if he tells his parents, and the freak out, if he'll go tie the knot at the courts with me. He said yes! I never really wanted any special wedding, so that's all good with me. James is the one who wants a ceremony, for his family mostly. I guess I hope for his sake that they won't have any qualms with it. We've been together longer than LeighAnn and Gregg have, going on five years. I don't want to wait a whole 'nother year to do this. It's bull that we've waited this long.

Another romantic thing about it all. Our plan for the honey moon, is just to pick it out the night of the wedding. Like just catch a cheap flight somewhere, you know go online to one of those things that fills up flights and hotel rooms. Just pick a place and go. That would be so fun and spontaneous. I don't even care where we go, just as long as the hotel is nice, and we get away from everything and everyone.

I think that is about it. I'm going to go have a milkshake, don't know if I'm going to do much other than that for dinner, but *shrug*, my lack of quality time with James has practically killed my appetite anyway.

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August 8th, 2009

03:04 pm - Join me?

Just click on the link above. That way you are considered referred, which gets us both neat stuff.

It would be really nice to have friends on the site. Well, it's fun even without friends on the site, cause it's pretty social, but it would be more fun, and it would give me people to send neat stuff too. So if you have extra time on your hands, a void if you will, fill it with playing ichumon. It's got games, it's got good art, active creators, social stuff, and if you join with the above banner, you'll get premium for 10 days, at least I think they are still doing that. Premium is nice, it'll give you a chance to build up your points. But it's also fun without premium. So yeah. I like it better than 4 other sites I've played.

I really want some friends to join. I have neat things I can send to people, and no one to really send it to. And unlike aim, and email, which I'm too lazy to do, I'm actually on it pretty regularly, so you might be able to say hi once in a while, while being able to fill the awkward silence with games, and talking to random people that are more social than me.

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July 20th, 2009

05:46 pm - Not sure if this will work...

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May 13th, 2009

12:25 pm - I'm back?
Whenever I go back to something I feel kind of bad for not doing it for so long. But my situation is kind of depressing, so there really isn't much to talk about. :S I sit at the computer and look for jobs or play ichumon all day. Pretty sad, but when you are in a situation where you don't really want to leave the room, it kind of happens.

But anyway. Not that I'm very social on ichumon, but if I had more friends on it I would be. So I don't know, if you are looking for ways to kill time, playing games and taking care of virtual pets, as well as talking to random people on the ShoutBox, I'd like to invite you to join. I would just say join, but if you get referred, *you* get 10 days of free premium, which is pretty nice if you are trying to build up your account. YOU get it, not me. I can get some random junk through referrals that I don't care about. So it's a benefit to you, not me, really. Also, again, in my malaise of not wanting to do very much and staying in my room, I am on ichumon quite a bit, so I don't know, we can chat there and stuff, and reconnect in more real time, and talk about nothing in particular. As opposed to things like email, where if you don't have anything going on, it's a bit harder to just email about nothing :p


*sigh* I feel kind of guilty trying to reconnect through a pet site rather than some other way, but I'm sorry, depression kind of makes me introverted and not in the actively reach out state. Ya know?

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January 6th, 2009

04:01 pm - You don't always know what to say, then you reach for the chocolate orange...
It's 2009... Right now, I'm not sure where I'll be in another year. I don't think I will have made as many changes as I did in the last one.

I've been cracking down on my morals. I think a lot of it has come from working with kids. It's been making me think a lot about what kind of person I want to be and what things I want to teach them.

For instance; me and James have purged our computers of bit-torrent items, and will not longer be partaking in stealing through such manners. It was mostly Music and D&D PDF's. To make up for it, we spent a bunch of money actually purchasing the books that we have used.

We also uninstalled all our illegal copies of sims2, but went out and bought them and reinstalled.

Now we just need to buy some music to make up for all the music we lost.

Yeah... now I think we are free and clear of breaking the Ten commandments, my moral compass. Honestly, I don't think even most moral secularist would disagree with most of the commandments being good (asside from the God based ones).

I'm more Christian than ever (Christian meaning "follower of Christ", not "Jesus saves me no matter what I do" Christian). Jesus said keep the commandments, not "ask me into your heart then you can break whatever ones you want".

All these changes aren't even that hard. I just needed to get rid of the justifications for keeping the stuff, come to terms with the fact that it was stealing, and the choice from their was easy. Getting rid of that stuff was the last big change I needed to make. I don't lie, I don't cheat, and now I can say honestly that I don't steal:) Life is good.

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